Broken mess🌌

I often battle with feeling alone, in reality I know it’s not true but my thoughts happen to be assholes. In some aspect I guess it’s also true... that I’m alone where I am. Being alone doesn’t bother me much anymore, I’ve found comfort in it but there are times like now where it would be real fucking nice to have someone worth keeping next to you. I’m also going through grief at the moment and most times it’s very overpowering. I don’t understand my emotions, I don’t really know how to navigate through this loss. All the books say you move from one stage to the next stage but I find myself at a different stage everyday so inconsistently. I don’t really see a support system around me, my support system is one I can’t hug or hold, one I can’t physically touch. I feel so inconsistent in the state I’m in, inconsistent in the amount of me I have everyday to put out into the world and live everyday. The thought of death by itself is not what I imagined it to be, it’s much harsher. I’ve never put much thought into how people around me hurting would be a cause of pain on it’s own. Most times I think that hurts even more, being the support for someone you can’t hug or hold. Its painful in its own fucked up way. I feel defeated in most aspects of my life. Most days, I don’t have it in me to get out of bed, other days I don’t have it in me to step out of my door and be an active participant in this world. And I’m so fucking angry, all the time. It’s exhausting. It’s too much, it’s all demanding too fucking much of what I don’t have. I’m so fucking tired, my heart and mind are so fucking exhausted. I’m tired of waking up everyday, I’m tired of sleeping, I’m tired of eating, I’m tired of being on my phone, I’m tired of consuming the outside world, I’m tired of going to school, I’m tired of the people around me, I’m just so fucking tired. I feel exhausted just trying to put these feelings into words, trying to explain this in an understandable way. ደከመኝ። ውስጤን ደከመኝ። በቃ አላውቅም እንደዚህ ይሰማኛል ብዬ አላሰብኩም ነበረ። ሰዉ ሆኖ ከሰዉ ጋር መኖር አቃተኝ። This isn’t to say I want to stop living, I’m just a little too tired to be an active part of the world right now. Just wanna hit pause for a bit and get a chance to be still indefinitely, process the world and these new variables around me at my own pace.

www.tgoop.com/brokenmess/3514

316 viewsMay 15 at 11:11

I often battle with feeling alone, in reality I know it’s not true but my thoughts happen to be assholes. In some aspect I guess it’s also true... that I’m alone where I am. Being alone doesn’t bother me much anymore, I’ve found comfort in it but there are times like now where it would be real fucking nice to have someone worth keeping next to you. I’m also going through grief at the moment and most times it’s very overpowering. I don’t understand my emotions, I don’t really know how to navigate through this loss. All the books say you move from one stage to the next stage but I find myself at a different stage everyday so inconsistently. I don’t really see a support system around me, my support system is one I can’t hug or hold, one I can’t physically touch. I feel so inconsistent in the state I’m in, inconsistent in the amount of me I have everyday to put out into the world and live everyday. The thought of death by itself is not what I imagined it to be, it’s much harsher. I’ve never put much thought into how people around me hurting would be a cause of pain on it’s own. Most times I think that hurts even more, being the support for someone you can’t hug or hold. Its painful in its own fucked up way. I feel defeated in most aspects of my life. Most days, I don’t have it in me to get out of bed, other days I don’t have it in me to step out of my door and be an active participant in this world. And I’m so fucking angry, all the time. It’s exhausting. It’s too much, it’s all demanding too fucking much of what I don’t have. I’m so fucking tired, my heart and mind are so fucking exhausted. I’m tired of waking up everyday, I’m tired of sleeping, I’m tired of eating, I’m tired of being on my phone, I’m tired of consuming the outside world, I’m tired of going to school, I’m tired of the people around me, I’m just so fucking tired. I feel exhausted just trying to put these feelings into words, trying to explain this in an understandable way. ደከመኝ። ውስጤን ደከመኝ። በቃ አላውቅም እንደዚህ ይሰማኛል ብዬ አላሰብኩም ነበረ። ሰዉ ሆኖ ከሰዉ ጋር መኖር አቃተኝ። This isn’t to say I want to stop living, I’m just a little too tired to be an active part of the world right now. Just wanna hit pause for a bit and get a chance to be still indefinitely, process the world and these new variables around me at my own pace.

BY Broken mess🌌