Man Who Called Half The Country Racists All Year Calls For Unity

MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—The man who strongly implied half the nation were racist, Nazi, white supremacists for the entire presidential campaign has called for the nation to unify, sources confirmed Tuesday.The post Man Who Called Half The Country Racists All Year Calls For Unity appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/man-who-called-half-the-country-nazis-all-year-calls-for-unity/

Family Carefully Times Trip To Church To Miss Opening Worship Set

MediaWOOD GROVE, OR—The Ryder family carefully timed their trip to church this Sunday so they would arrive late, but not too late -- just tardy enough to miss the opening worship set, and slip in for the sermon.The post Family Carefully Times Trip To Church To Miss Opening Worship Set appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/family-carefully-times-trip-to-church-to-miss-opening-worship-set/

Google Reports Sudden Spike In Searches For 'Can You Take Back Your Vote For President' Among Biden Voters

MediaU.S.—Google has reported a sudden spike in searches for the term "can you take back your vote for president" among Biden voters.The post Google Reports Sudden Spike In Searches For 'Can You Take Back Your Vote For President' Among Biden Voters appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/sudden-spike-in-searches-for-can-you-take-back-your-vote-for-president-among-biden-voters/

Journalists Justify Loudly Cheering On Biden As It’s Needed To Keep Him Awake

MediaWASHINGTON D.C.—There has been some controversy with the change in press coverage of the Biden Administration versus the Trump Administration, as the press seems to have exchanged their adversarial role and replaced it with long stretches of clapping and obnoxious cheering. Journalists justify this change in tone, though, saying that they need to loudly cheer on President Joe Biden in order to keep him awake.The post Journalists Justify Loudly Cheering On Biden As It’s Needed To Keep Him Awake appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/journalists-justify-loudly-cheering-on-biden-as-its-needed-to-keep-him-awake/

In Stunning Reversal Of Previous Administration, New Biden COVID Plan Features Mask Wearing, Vaccinations, And Travel Bans

MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning repudiation of Trump's COVID plan, Biden has announced he will throw out masking, vaccinations, and travel bans and replace them with masking, vaccinations, and travel bans.The post In Stunning Reversal Of Previous Administration, New Biden COVID Plan Features Mask Wearing, Vaccinations, And Travel Bans appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/in-stunning-reversal-of-previous-administration-new-biden-covid-plan-features-mask-wearing-vaccinations-and-travel-bans/

GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games

MediaGRAPEVINE, TX—According to market experts, magical and mysterious forces have somehow pushed GameStop's stock price up by 680% in January alone. Because of this incredible windfall, Gamestop has announced they will soon be able to afford to pay gamers up to 25 whole cents for their used games, up from their traditional offering of 3 cents. The post GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/gamestop-announces-that-due-to-skyrocketing-stock-they-can-now-afford-to-pay-you-up-to-25-cents-for-your-used-game/

Here's A Complete List Of Fascist Dictators Who Were Democratically Voted Out Of Power

Media The post Here's A Complete List Of Fascist Dictators Who Were Democratically Voted Out Of Power appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/heres-a-complete-list-of-fascist-dictators-who-were-democratically-voted-out-of-office/

Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents

MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has announced plans to retroactively impeach all previous Republican presidents.The post Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-to-retroactively-impeach-all-previous-republican-presidents/

Democrats Vote To Reinstate Trump As President So Impeachment Trial Is Constitutional

MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has been reinstated as president so Democrats in Congress can be sure the impeachment trial will be constitutional.The post Democrats Vote To Reinstate Trump As President So Impeachment Trial Is Constitutional appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-reinstated-as-president-to-make-sure-impeachment-trial-is-constitutional/

Twitter Releases New Community-Based Tool To Find Witches

MediaSALEM, MA—In a new, innovative way to handle the growing problem of witchcraft, Twitter's Salem division has now released a community-based tool, Witchwatch, to crowdsource witch identification.The post Twitter Releases New Community-Based Tool To Find Witches appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/salem-releases-new-community-based-tool-to-find-witches/

7 Even Safer Alternatives To Double-Masking

MediaSome people only double-mask. These people want grandma to die. Others triple-mask. These people only kind of want grandma to die. But you are a good and virtuous citizen, so you came to this article to find out how you can be even more righteous than those lame double-maskers and triple-maskers. Here are seven great ways you can stay safe, brought to you by SCIENCE!The post 7 Even Safer Alternatives To Double-Masking appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/7-even-safer-alternatives-to-double-masking/

Democrats Announce Lockdowns Can Be Lifted Now That We've Defeated The True Virus: Trump

MediaU.S.—Prominent Democrats from around the country declared in the days following the inauguration that severe lockdowns could be lifted now that the true virus had been defeated: Donald J. Trump, or as he is known in scientific circles, Trump-2016.The post Democrats Announce Lockdowns Can Be Lifted Now That We've Defeated The True Virus: Trump appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/newsom-we-can-lift-the-lockdown-now-that-the-true-virus-has-been-defeated-trump/

Biden Orders Surgeon General's Warnings Placed On All Biology Textbooks

MediaWASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden signed an executive order today mandating thatThe post Biden Orders Surgeon General's Warnings Placed On All Biology Textbooks appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-orders-surgeon-generals-warnings-placed-on-all-biology-textbooks/

Dad Left In Charge Of Kids Frantically Googles 'What Do Children Eat?'

MediaTIERRASANTA, CA—Local father Carlos Maricio was briefly left in charge of his kids as his wife had to run to the store to buy groceries for the family for an hour or two.The post Dad Left In Charge Of Kids Frantically Googles 'What Do Children Eat?' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/dad-left-in-charge-of-kids-googles-what-do-human-children-eat/

FDA Approves New, Even More Accurate COVID Test That Requires A Swab Of Your Exposed Heart

MediaU.S.—After concerning reports of inaccurate nasal-swab COVID tests, and the release of a slightly more accurate anal-swab test, the FDA has approved the use of the most accurate COVID test yet, which will require a swab of your open, still-beating heart.The post FDA Approves New, Even More Accurate COVID Test That Requires A Swab Of Your Exposed Heart appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/fda-approves-new-even-more-accurate-covid-test-that-requires-a-swab-of-your-exposed-heart/

Man Brilliantly Debunks Incorrect Thing He Found Online With Another Incorrect Thing He Found Online

MediaGOSHEN, IN—The internet is a safer place today after local social media user Josh Drevelle heroically debunked a random thing he found online with another random thing he found online. According to reliable, fact-checked sources that can easily be found online, Josh first encountered this ridiculous opinion while scrolling through Facebook.The post Man Brilliantly Debunks Incorrect Thing He Found Online With Another Incorrect Thing He Found Online appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/man-brilliantly-debunks-random-thing-he-found-online-with-another-random-thing-he-found-online/

Merriam-Webster Changes Definition Of ‘White Supremacist’ To ‘Anyone Who Wins In The Stock Market When They’re Not Supposed To’

MediaSPRINGFIELD, MA—WallStreetBets has been banned from Reddit and Discord after conspiring to make money on the stock market, even though they are unworthy of such riches. Shortly after they were banned for "hateful and discriminatory content," the online dictionary Merriam-Webster quickly changed the official definition of "white supremacist" to "anyone who makes a lot of money in the stock market when they’re not supposed to."The post Merriam-Webster Changes Definition Of ‘White Supremacist’ To ‘Anyone Who Wins In The Stock Market When They’re Not Supposed To’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/merriam-webster-changes-definition-of-white-supremacist-to-anyone-who-wins-at-the-stock-market-when-theyre-not-supposed-to/

Bankrupted Hedge Fund Managers To Receive $600 Stimulus

MediaU.S.—Hedge fund managers nearly bankrupted by Redditors are desperately trying to fight back, but it's not looking good as the internet populist uprising continues. The post Bankrupted Hedge Fund Managers To Receive $600 Stimulus appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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https://babylonbee.com/news/bankrupted-hedge-fund-managers-to-receive-600-stimulus/

This has been an unofficial channel rebroadcasting content from The Babylon Bee's RSS feed on Telegram; now that The Babylon Bee appears to have actually joined Telegram, I urge all subscribers to check out their channel over at @TheBabylonBee.

I'm keeping this channel up to preserve content from its founding (May 2019) until today, but there will be no new posts after this point.

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